Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
