How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
