I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
