he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
