i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
