It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
