To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
