Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
