Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
