I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
