I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
