btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
not ubering you a puppy
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
