i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
