I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
