Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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