Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
