I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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