the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The air was thick with penises
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize