I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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