Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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