I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
