why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
