you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize