I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Vodka?
Forever.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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