there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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