Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
