she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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