How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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