my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
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