The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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