And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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