you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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