When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
