You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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