My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
