I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
