drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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