genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
