I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
