Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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