you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize