Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
