if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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