I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
