I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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