Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
