My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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