i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
