I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
