How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
