Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize