I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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