I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
