If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
