Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
