I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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