I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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