dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
