Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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