Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
