did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
